So Many Questions. So Little Answers.

I’m getting pretty tired of all this knee bullshit. It is beyond frustrating.

For the most part my knee feels pretty good. Mobility is really good, I can finally go up and down the stairs without looking like a troll, and I can do a lot of movements in jiu-jitsu that I couldn’t do just a few weeks ago. However, it’s been eight weeks and it’s still not healed. The two biggest things I have to deal with is not being able to fully extend/straighten my leg and experiencing a lot of pain when I go from a bent knee to straightening my leg. Sometimes I can’t bend my knee all the way. It’s like I will get it halfway there and it won’t bend anymore and I have to grab my shin and pull my leg to bend it all the way. At night I am jarred out of sleep at least twice when I go from sleeping on my side to rolling over onto my back and my leg naturally tries to straighten.

But, who cares about sleep? Jiu-jitsu and my mental well being are the things that are taking the most damage.

I can finally roll again, so that’s a win, but it’s definitely not the same rolling that I used to be able to do. At first I was so excited to be able to roll that I didn’t care that it was restricted. That’s all changing now. It’s frustrating. So very frustrating. Frustrating because it’s tiny things and non-threatening movements that are limiting me. Last night I had to tap several times to things that feel so stupid and ridiculous to tap to.

A foot pushing in my hip while my knee is on the mat.

An ankle grab while I’m on my knees.

Being in someone’s guard and having their hips heavy on my knee.

A tripod sweep.

Being in mount and having my knee pushed.

See? Stupid shit.

How is it that I can lock up a triangle, windshield wiper my legs, and go full force knee on belly, but I can’t have someone grab my ankle? Knees are weird.

It’s become a situation where I’m terrified to roll. Half the time I can’t figure out exactly what causes the pain because the movements feel so small and not dangerous to my knee at all. The pain is sharp and sometimes it instantly produces involuntary tears in my eyes, like when you get popped in the nose and your eyes just start watering. And, just to clarify, I’m not a pain crier at all. I’m more of the pain, angry potty-mouth type.

At first I was okay with rolling with my husband because he is aware of the knee situation and is being pretty gentle with me, but even that is becoming a fearful situation. I already overthink and second guess my movements anyway and now this stupid knee shit is making me second guess every little movement. I can’t do what I would naturally do because I’m hesitating out of fear.

Will this movement hurt?

Am I at risk to re-injure?

Is the pain in those moments where I have to tap something I should be concerned about or is it a normal part of the healing process and I just have to work through it?

Will it ever fully heal?

Am I ever going to be able to fully extend my leg again?

If it will fully heal, how long will it take?

If I can’t fully extend my leg ever again, how is this going to interfere with my life? With jiu-jitsu?

Do I look like a wimpy loser sitting there while everyone else rolls?

Can my mental well being take having to sit on the sidelines for another class. And another class. And another class…

So many questions and so little answers. I just want to roll. Without restrictions. Without hesitation. And most of all, without fear.