I woke up this morning teetering on the edge of becoming another blue belt statistic. Last night I was positive I would join the many others who have been plagued by the blue belt curse. I was done. I mourned my jiu-jitsu life the whole drive home, so much so that I could barely catch a breath.
The only surety that I see right now is that I tend to be an incredibly stubborn and defiant person and just like how I will hold on to certain grips longer than I should, I typically won’t quit even when I probably should. Plus, I really want to try out the morning class before I give up. (I don’t even like typing the words quit and give up. Yuck.)
Jiu-jitsu is one hell of a rollercoaster. There are times that I feel like it helps me tremendously and then there are times that I feel like it does more harm than good. It’s crazy that I could go from so happy, so excited about jiu-jitsu, even excited about competing again to feeling like I want to quit two days later. I love jiu-jitsu so much and just want to get better at it, but there are some days that I just don’t have the energy to deal with certain aspects of it. It is hard to be a part of a group, but at the same time feel so alone.
I’m just trying to remind myself that the things that will continually be my struggle and repellent (shy, socially awkward, old, fat ass, woman) will also be what makes my successes that much sweeter and my story unique and great. But, if I’m being honest, I don’t know how much more my sanity and well being can take. I already struggle so much with depression and anxiety and whatever headcase bullshit I put myself through, I don’t need to pile more on top of it.
I’m a mess.
There will be a day that all of this struggle will be worth it, right? Cause this might be the first time that I wasn’t so sure of that when I woke up in the morning.