The Return.

The book is done and this week was my official return to a normal life. Or at least as normal as you could call my life. It hasn’t been as easy as a transition as I had hoped.

It’s just…weird.

This constant going, going, going for the last few months has shown me that I’m capable of so much more that what my normal was, and so it’s just really hard to go back to that normal. I’ve changed and I don’t know how to fully process it and finding that balance between everything in my life is complicated right now. New me has to find a new balance. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. It’s just a really strange, transitional period that I wasn’t expecting.

I had to sacrifice a lot to get the book done and sometimes you don’t really understand what you are sacrificing until you’ve been without it for awhile. I had two sacrifices that took the biggest toll on me, the time away from my family and jiu-jitsu.

Jiu-jitsu, in 2-1/2 years, has become such a pivotal part of my life. I knew this, but having to forfeit my time on the mat for a few months really proved just how important it is to me, to my well being, and to my health. During the last few months I was able to make it to a few classes here and there, but I wasn’t really fully present. My mind was always on the book and all I could think was, “What am I doing? I should be working right now.”

This week was my first week back to jiu-jitsu. Transitioning back, just like everything else, has not been as easy as I had hoped. I mean, I knew that I was going to struggle. Throughout the last few years, anytime I had to take time off, it’s always hard to mentally come back. The longer you are away, the harder it is. I knew this. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard.

The first class was great. My cardio was ridiculously bad, but it felt so good to be back and so good to be able to bring my full focus with me to class. My excitement to be back kind of masked the issues deep below.

The second class was a disaster.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that I get in my head a lot. Like a lot, lot. Coming back after such a long time off, brought on a holy-shit level of in-my-head crap.

When I sacrificed jiu-jitsu, I also sacrificed my healthy eating, my exercise, the mental strength I was building, and confidence in myself and in my abilities. It’s become obvious that my self-care relies heavily on jiu-jitsu. Apparently if you take jiu-jitsu away from me, a lot of the good in my life crumbles.

And, boy did I crumble over the last few months.

My weight is back up, I haven’t exercised at all for months and my body hurts because of this stagnant lifestyle my book writing brought with it, the mental strength I have built up has weakened with each class missed, and my confidence is nowhere to be found.

So I did what in-my-head-Allison likes to do.

I self-sabotaged it so that I could escape and not face it. I’m talkin’ I self-sabotaged it so hard and so bad that we didn’t even finish drilling.

I was embarrassed of my weight, my gi not fitting me right, my movement or lack thereof, my shitty cardio. I told myself I couldn’t do it. I told myself that I shouldn’t be a blue belt. I was a grade-A asshole to myself. My jiu-jitsu sucked, but my ability to put myself down was in full champion force. And it’s not like that stops once I leave the mats. I then continue to beat myself up for being a weak-ass bitch and for leaving.

Yup. There she is. Good ‘ol headcase-Allison is back. She’s a real beaut.

The good thing is I’ve dealt with her before and I know what I have to do. Show up, focus on the positive, and keep moving forward. So, here we go. It’s like being back at the bottom of the mountain, starting all over again. But, it’s what I have to do and I’m determined to get everything back to what it was before.

And then some.

 

 

 

 

 

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